Monday: Trying to be present….

20 06 2011

I always have goals. To start eating better, exercise more, be more patient with my kids, be more loving to my husband. I’m always stuck in the planning stages, thinking of the end result, writing my never ending lists. But I rarely act in that moment, putting action into who I want to be.

I’ve found the easiest way to be in the moment and take action, to find the drive to be who I want to be everyday, is when I’m present and active with my kids. They show me how easy it is to be happy and how a couple minutes here and a couple minutes there helps you hear your own rhythms in the day.

So today I’m going to stay present with my kids, and see the times where something I can do for myself pops up. When I can sneak 20 min on the treadmill. Or lay down with Kurt and cuddle. Read a bit from a book. Play a chasing game with both of them.

I’m sick of just getting through today. I want to live. 🙂



Wednesday: This one is full of words…

13 04 2011

I have lost my way. Peaceful parenting is a but a memory and my head and throat hurt from all the screaming I’ve been doing. I can’t even stop to think about how I should be reacting or helping, or if I’m demanding too much. I just yell and yell and yell and smack and yell and smack some more and send to rooms and … you get the picture.

I feels horrible. Absolutely horrible. I miss the half-way calm me that could resist yelling and find a almost better way.

Do you know what the culprit is? My job. I took a night job. So I traded relaxing hours on the couch and a start of a good nights sleep, for scrubbing floors, toilets and desks. My kids are paying for it. My husband is paying for it. I am literally getting paid for it. But is it worth it?

So I’m quitting. Today.

I feel like a disappointment, a failure. A loser.

That’s two jobs in the last 4 months. But I need to listen to myself. My lack of sleep and patience isn’t just affecting me. It’s affecting the whole family. Keenin cries every time I put him down. Kurt is hitting, spitting, yelling, and generally being really mean to his little brother. He refuses to play with toys and only want so to watch TV or play with the iPhone.

I’m struggling. I’m admitting defeat.

I’m going to try to sleep and then get my head around how to get us back on track.

On the bright side… it’s going to snow again 😦

Monday Musings: Working!

28 03 2011

So I haven’t had anything to say for a while. Got another job… at night. Which works out rather well. Instead of watching tv until 11, I’m working.

Had Keenin’s first birthday over the weekend. So much fun! Can’t believe it’s only been a year, which is probably the opposite of how most people feel about thier childs first birthday. Most comments are “OMG I can’t believe he’s a year old already!” I always think really? because I can’t imagine life before him. It makes me laugh! To think that once upon a time it was just me and one other kid, WEIRD.

They are both growing up so  much. Not too much. It’s good. I”m glad that ages they are now. This summer will be a lot of fun. Kurt is imagining more, demanding more, talking more, talking more, talking more, talking more. Sometimes we ask him if he is stuck on repeat. But today when I tucked him into my bed for nap time and gave him kisses and hugs. All I could think about was how lucky I was to stay home everyday with them. To give them mumma love and mumma yelling and mumma food all day long. It’s great!

I also have been putting thought into my idea of homeschooling. I’m not struggling with it. But I am unsure what to do. After meeting with the local home-school group, I haven’t had a chance to follow up with anymore meetings. Then I got a call from the Child Development Center for Kurt to start preschool in September. WOW! September! Seem so close. We put him on the waiting list before he was a year old, just so we could make sure he got in, as it is rumored to be the best one in town. I think I may visit others too. I’m also kind of thinking how much I’d like to have some space, to not be in charge of every experience Kurt has. To let him go and grow without me. But then the idea of a homeschoolers co-op would be fun. So we’ll see. I’m sure things will fall into place and help me decide.

Right now we have just finished a big day of cleaning the house (my new janitor job is rubbing off on my personal life) and Keenin is having a nap while Kurt eats some popcorn and watches Word World. 🙂

I’m going to go sit and relax maybe pull out a book before I have to get dinner organized and then go to work.

Hope everyone is having a good spring… our’s isn’t here yet but it is sunny today!