Today is Tuesday: An epiphany in anger….

15 03 2011

What I am about to share, is extremely personal. Not like TMI personal. But more like straight from my journal, word for word, about my marriage – personal. But I have to share it because it is an epiphany. And I believe it will be a big stepping stone on my path towards peaceful parenting/relationships and non coercion in my life.

So here it goes…..

Dear Diary, Today little jimmy hit me with a stick.. bahaha just kidding. But seriously, here it is!

Anger. A daily occurrence it would seem. My husband spent money. Money we borrowed to get Tylenol for our kids and pay for gas to see my parents. This particular issue enrages me. It’s always a different scenario but the same core problem. Spending money at a critical time when we don’t have it. It’s angering because I have a plan, an order in my head of when and where the money needs to be spent. It’s a problem that we cannot solve. He refuses to budge. From his perspective, everything always works out. So there is no need to worry. In this case, the money from his birthday will cover the difference.

Usually I would be seething with anger. Yelling, slamming and repeatedly calling him at work to make him feel guilty, stupid, belittled and worthless. I wouldn’t relent until I felt relief from making him suffer enough.

( Yes I have been reading Anger by Thich Naht Hanh)

Which I guess stems from my childhood or past experiences. It’s so hard to realize what you have ingrained in you.

I started thinking how incredibly, stupidly frustrating it is that he refuses to take money seriously and also the fact that he refuses to take care of his health and body.

So how can I stop him? Usually I would concoct so many ways in my head to make him feel bad. But then I realized that I can’t MAKE him do anything. He is a functioning separate being. He has his own perspective and journey. And it’s about time I take responsibility for making him suffer due to my own perspective, ego and “stories”.

I need to accept that I will have to be like water flowing around a rock until (if ever) he changes his perspective. His path.

I try so hard to help him. To steer him towards my path. Forwards. I know this is a lot of responsibility, to try to take on two journeys.

I need to keep that thought of flowing water. Of him being a rock. But I am struggling with that thought. If I want to share my path with him? I love him. I want to be with him. But how do I mesh these two things together? My journey with his seemingly lack of one.

To show respect to him I need to trust that he will do his best at all times. And not even that. That his will do- what he will do. The end.

And just like that my anger has been melted into compassion (i think?) Compassion for the journey his is on. And his perspective. Which is so different from mine. Which is what makes our marriage interesting and will keeping it interactive fore many years to come.

( yes i do write this way in my journal LOL)

So I should trust that his perspective is just as “right” as mine. At ALL times. It’s only my ego that tells me I am “right” more than he is. We are simply two people with separate egos, perspectives and journey’s trying to find our path together.

I think I might phone him and apologize. (I did) Tell him that I will try my best to  trust him. And that we need to talk more on how to trust and  mesh our journeys together. That neither of us is more “right” than the other.

That our differences is what makes “us” fun. What we should stop fighting so hard against it.

And this last point is for me…

I need to stop letting my ego tell me that I know the “way” better than Bryce, or Kurt or Keenin. I need to reach out and trust that all of the perspectives we have is what is making this path so amazing.

This IS our life.

Woofda! If that isn’t an epiphany, I don’t know what is!!

So there you go, straight from the heart!

🙂 It made my mind a little bit lighter. Hopefully it may shed light on areas in your life or mind that need re-thinking!



Tuesday: Rituals…

1 03 2011

I don’t have many daily rituals. I have many theoretical ones, ones I’d like to implement.. for better health both mentally and physically. But realistically my days are run by the boys ( they are the alarm clock) and their daily needs dictate the running of our days (food, naps). I also find myself stuck in the time sucks that are Facebook and interesting websites.

So my rituals are sporadic and far between. Like yoga at night, that was a beloved ritual that got bumped out by a small child who was going to sleep later and getting up very quickly after. Morning smoothies that got tedious after realizing unless I could wash all parts of my blender and juicer right away it turned into some amazing kind of organic cement. Even washing face before bed seems to get the better of me. Bedtime means NOW, even if it’s after 3 hours of watching TV with my husband. Which is a very important part of us being together.. for the most part, our only version of being together without kids. Yikes, right?

My new rituals are the things in my life that demand some sort of schedule, like cloth diapers and mama pads. They require a kind of system to keep it moving and flowing. Also my new/old venture into NFP (Natural Family Planning using my handy dandy iPhone!) requires a new ritual of taking my temperature before getting out of bed. And my new tea ritual. Drinking green tea with lemon and honey every morning. mmmmm….

Rituals. I like them. I want them to become a part of me, of my everyday. I stumbled across this link somewhere just a few minutes ago. It was so nice to read. To think about how I want to start everyday. I was a wee bit jealous of the women who get to lounge in their beds or roll out onto a yoga mat without any distractions, or even take a BATH every morning! OH the luxury of it all!

But then I guess that just means I need to eek out a little ME time every morning. Things that are truly uplifting, inspiring, that giggly kind of feeling when its summer time and the sun is shining on you and you have nothing you need to do in that moment. I want to create that every … well.. MOST days.  Set my intentions.

So from here forward I vow to find time for my rituals. To create the fun, creative, joy filled, yellow and white (I think in colours) morning rituals to start my day with 🙂 and to find the quiet blue and green and purple rituals to end it 🙂

On a random side note before I leave. I’ve always thought in colors. Days have colors, people, numbers, houses, songs… you name it I probably have a color associated with it in my mind. And I’ve reconnected with that part of me as of late. It’s like painting with my thoughts. 🙂


Tuesday Time Out: So THIS is what learning feels like..

8 02 2011

I’ve learned a lot in the past few months about parenting. Natural parenting, peaceful parenting. I like it. It feels better! It’s harder, but better. I’ve also learned about unschooling, which I really really really like the sound of. To watch my kids learn and to help them. I love to learn. I love having questions and finding the answer. I know Kurt is a bit too young for the constant questions, he’s still struggling with talking, so I know I have a little ways before questions about different cultures or how the titanic sank. But I’m excited about it, and this morning I saw a glimpse of it.


I look over to him, waiting for his blueberry buckwheat pancakes, sitting on the dining room chair. He’s pointing to his knee. I smile. We went over basic body parts months ago, before he turned two… and elbow was the one that stuck. Besides hair, eyes, nose, ears, mouth. Which we had learned very early. He’s now pointing at his real elbow. “ELLBOW”  So I jump in. Yes that is your elbow, but this (pointing at my own knee) is your knee. “HUHNEE”. Yup that’s your knee. and these are your shoulders…. I went on the name other major body parts that he still needs to learn. He tries his best to say each word. Which is a huge leap for us…. he doesn’t even usually TRY to say words. But in the last week he’s been trying. And succeeding a lot. Sentences are coming together better too. I’m not as worried anymore. I still wonder about his hearing, but once we get called for a clinic, that will answer those questions.

So … I saw it, heard it, felt it. What natural kid learning is….. watching his little mind figuring things out.


PS our time-out don’t happen as we had planned. They happen everyday for the first half of the day. Breakfast and playing upstairs until nap-time. Then we are allowed downstairs, but we have to play/clean for a while before the TV comes on. 🙂


Time Out Tuesday: feeling like a failure

14 12 2010

Time Out Tuesday wasn’t a huge success. It wasn’t a huge failure, we again managed to turn everything off from 9-3pm. But it was tough. My two year old was … on a rampage? Throwing, hitting, biting, climbing, running, falling, screaming. No playing with toys just constant bugging, misbehaving. It makes Non-Coersive parenting look like a joke. Or at least very far beyond my reach.

So next week will have to be planned out better, with out of the house activites and energy burning activites when in the house.

Another day in the life a mumma……

Time Out Tuesday: Our first…

7 12 2010

So our first Time Out Tuesday was a success… sort of? I completely forgot it was Tuesday, plunked the kids in front of a movie so I could have a shower. Then my lightbulb went off. So we turned everything off and I put my iPhone  in the back of the closet so I wouldn’t be tempted. I have to say we did pretty well. From 9am to 3pm we didn’t do anything with buttons or a screen. Next week I want to do the WHOLE day. But it was a start.

And I enjoyed it. Kurt (2yrs) and I hung out all day, I read some of my book while he sat on me and drew on a white erase board. We played on the floor, we ate food. It was great. Finding entertainment in normal day to day things. I forgot. The tv and iPhone and DS and computer has dominated our lives, increasingly so in the last few months. It was nice to take a breather.

So tomorrow, Not TV first thing, no computer. just us and being together. see how the day goes. I won’t punish myself if we need a break and just veg out. that’s ok too.

I’m practicing being kind to myself as well.

Feeding Keenin (8mos) tonight, I practiced mindfulness. And it worked. I faked it until I felt it. Then I was almost completely absorbed in the moment of feeding and laughing and mimicking each other.

Onto another day with my family on our path to a new life.  A happy moment to moment life.