Wednesday: This one is full of words…

13 04 2011

I have lost my way. Peaceful parenting is a but a memory and my head and throat hurt from all the screaming I’ve been doing. I can’t even stop to think about how I should be reacting or helping, or if I’m demanding too much. I just yell and yell and yell and smack and yell and smack some more and send to rooms and … you get the picture.

I feels horrible. Absolutely horrible. I miss the half-way calm me that could resist yelling and find a almost better way.

Do you know what the culprit is? My job. I took a night job. So I traded relaxing hours on the couch and a start of a good nights sleep, for scrubbing floors, toilets and desks. My kids are paying for it. My husband is paying for it. I am literally getting paid for it. But is it worth it?

So I’m quitting. Today.

I feel like a disappointment, a failure. A loser.

That’s two jobs in the last 4 months. But I need to listen to myself. My lack of sleep and patience isn’t just affecting me. It’s affecting the whole family. Keenin cries every time I put him down. Kurt is hitting, spitting, yelling, and generally being really mean to his little brother. He refuses to play with toys and only want so to watch TV or play with the iPhone.

I’m struggling. I’m admitting defeat.

I’m going to try to sleep and then get my head around how to get us back on track.

On the bright side… it’s going to snow again 😦

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