Random: Feeling the wave….

25 02 2011

Happiness isn’t a destination, it’s the  journey.

Every step of the journey IS the journey.

Happiness isn’t a fish you can catch….

I know the words of wisdom. But I find myself waiting for the moment when everything falls into place and I can sit back and think ” aaah, THIS is the life…..”

When the kids aren’t screaming, teething, sick,grumpy,neglected. When me and my husband aren’t having tit for tat arguments.. When we have all the ingredients for the stuff I want to bake. When its NOT Saturday when I realize I need something from the health food store. When I’m not having one of those days where my hormones and the full moon collide together into a frenzy of neediness, laziness and total lack of understanding for my decisions to get married and have kids…..

I try to BREATHE, remember the moment, count to ten, think of happy things, accept what is happening, stop doing things that suck my energy, just sit, be, etc etc…..

I struggle with it. S-t-r-u-g-g-l-e…. Some moments I catch it, the feeling, of things that could be implemented by myself to make my life easier, more enjoyable.. but for some reason I dont’ let it. I stop myself from doing the things I want to do. From being the person I want to be. Having the body I want to have. I self sabotage, I hear the words of wisdom in my mind and ignore it. I react, even when I’m telling myself to breathe.

I feel like I’m at war with a silent version of myself.

 

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