Monday Musing: Who I want to be as a Mum(ma)

5 12 2010

Reading through Mama Om’s blog. I feel enlightened. Like she is holding a lantern on a path I’ve been seeking. Oh so deep and rich right? But it’s true. And I’ve started to really look at my parenting from a step back. I have a few books on mindfulness in my collection.  And they are hard to read, foreign. A bit like learning a new language.

A quote that stuck with me: ” imagine your thoughts and emotions as clouds, now be the sky”

Very thought-provoking and soul-shaking. To be the sky. It’s a WOW thing.

So my life as a mum as of late has been. Lots of facebook, google and other time passing things that don’t require involvement. Which means my children are planted in front of movie after movie. It’s a horrible cycle. I hate it. I hate that they are watching, I hate that I’m on the computer (like now) and I feel guilt and failure. I’m frustrated, so then comes the bored kids and the yelling mum. And then hubby comes home and I turn all my frustration, negativity and general unwellness onto him. He starts yelling. So the cycle continues.

I want out.

I want to be peaceful, be the calm, collected one. The one who can stop the fighting and bring some quiet resolution.  I want our days to be filled with creativity, learning, playing. Because right now it’s not a childhood for them. It’s a battle field. Every mumma and monkey for themselves.

I’m looking forward tomorrow. But that is silly. Because there is still today.

I want to be a happy, mindful, involved Mum. Not a distracted, yelling, uninvolved one. And I know I can be who I want to be. One little moment at a time. So for now, I’m going to turn off the computer and go cuddle with my son.

Green Mumma

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