What I am about to share, is extremely personal. Not like TMI personal. But more like straight from my journal, word for word, about my marriage – personal. But I have to share it because it is an epiphany. And I believe it will be a big stepping stone on my path towards peaceful parenting/relationships and non coercion in my life.
So here it goes…..
Dear Diary, Today little jimmy hit me with a stick.. bahaha just kidding. But seriously, here it is!
Anger. A daily occurrence it would seem. My husband spent money. Money we borrowed to get Tylenol for our kids and pay for gas to see my parents. This particular issue enrages me. It’s always a different scenario but the same core problem. Spending money at a critical time when we don’t have it. It’s angering because I have a plan, an order in my head of when and where the money needs to be spent. It’s a problem that we cannot solve. He refuses to budge. From his perspective, everything always works out. So there is no need to worry. In this case, the money from his birthday will cover the difference.
Usually I would be seething with anger. Yelling, slamming and repeatedly calling him at work to make him feel guilty, stupid, belittled and worthless. I wouldn’t relent until I felt relief from making him suffer enough.
( Yes I have been reading Anger by Thich Naht Hanh)
Which I guess stems from my childhood or past experiences. It’s so hard to realize what you have ingrained in you.
I started thinking how incredibly, stupidly frustrating it is that he refuses to take money seriously and also the fact that he refuses to take care of his health and body.
So how can I stop him? Usually I would concoct so many ways in my head to make him feel bad. But then I realized that I can’t MAKE him do anything. He is a functioning separate being. He has his own perspective and journey. And it’s about time I take responsibility for making him suffer due to my own perspective, ego and “stories”.
I need to accept that I will have to be like water flowing around a rock until (if ever) he changes his perspective. His path.
I try so hard to help him. To steer him towards my path. Forwards. I know this is a lot of responsibility, to try to take on two journeys.
I need to keep that thought of flowing water. Of him being a rock. But I am struggling with that thought. If I want to share my path with him? I love him. I want to be with him. But how do I mesh these two things together? My journey with his seemingly lack of one.
To show respect to him I need to trust that he will do his best at all times. And not even that. That his will do- what he will do. The end.
And just like that my anger has been melted into compassion (i think?) Compassion for the journey his is on. And his perspective. Which is so different from mine. Which is what makes our marriage interesting and will keeping it interactive fore many years to come.
( yes i do write this way in my journal LOL)
So I should trust that his perspective is just as “right” as mine. At ALL times. It’s only my ego that tells me I am “right” more than he is. We are simply two people with separate egos, perspectives and journey’s trying to find our path together.
I think I might phone him and apologize. (I did) Tell him that I will try my best to trust him. And that we need to talk more on how to trust and mesh our journeys together. That neither of us is more “right” than the other.
That our differences is what makes “us” fun. What we should stop fighting so hard against it.
And this last point is for me…
I need to stop letting my ego tell me that I know the “way” better than Bryce, or Kurt or Keenin. I need to reach out and trust that all of the perspectives we have is what is making this path so amazing.
This IS our life.
Woofda! If that isn’t an epiphany, I don’t know what is!!
So there you go, straight from the heart!
🙂 It made my mind a little bit lighter. Hopefully it may shed light on areas in your life or mind that need re-thinking!