Monday: Trying to be present….

20 06 2011

I always have goals. To start eating better, exercise more, be more patient with my kids, be more loving to my husband. I’m always stuck in the planning stages, thinking of the end result, writing my never ending lists. But I rarely act in that moment, putting action into who I want to be.

I’ve found the easiest way to be in the moment and take action, to find the drive to be who I want to be everyday, is when I’m present and active with my kids. They show me how easy it is to be happy and how a couple minutes here and a couple minutes there helps you hear your own rhythms in the day.

So today I’m going to stay present with my kids, and see the times where something I can do for myself pops up. When I can sneak 20 min on the treadmill. Or lay down with Kurt and cuddle. Read a bit from a book. Play a chasing game with both of them.

I’m sick of just getting through today. I want to live. 🙂



Monday: Exploration, plants, sunshine!

30 05 2011

I have been inspired. By the sunshine and all the plants growing. By how big my boys are. The amount they BOTH are talking. Kurt is starting to really explore and be interested. YAY! Found an amazing website called 5 Orange Potatoes. Our town is overrun with dandelions every summer, people spend most of the summer pulling, mowing and spraying these. Until this year I’ve also had a hate for them and let my inlaws spray for two years… I KNOW! anyways. This year I decided to embrace the Dandelion. I am astounded at the information and recipes I’ve found. They are wonderful for you, and to think so many of them growing anywhere I look!

So, after naptime me and the boys are going across to a public field where there are GAZILLIONS of Dandelions and we are going to gather HUNDREDS to make Dandelion Syrup and maybe even Dandelion Cookies!

I am so in love with medicinal plants. So I am a little late with my plans to build and try to grow some, but I’ll try and I’ll definitely be more prepared for next summer! I plan on using scraps of wood we have around our yard and also salvaging some pallets from around town to make a whole bunch of raised garden beds.

I wish my house would stay clean so I had more time. That being said, getting off the computer and going outside!


Wednesday: This one is full of words…

13 04 2011

I have lost my way. Peaceful parenting is a but a memory and my head and throat hurt from all the screaming I’ve been doing. I can’t even stop to think about how I should be reacting or helping, or if I’m demanding too much. I just yell and yell and yell and smack and yell and smack some more and send to rooms and … you get the picture.

I feels horrible. Absolutely horrible. I miss the half-way calm me that could resist yelling and find a almost better way.

Do you know what the culprit is? My job. I took a night job. So I traded relaxing hours on the couch and a start of a good nights sleep, for scrubbing floors, toilets and desks. My kids are paying for it. My husband is paying for it. I am literally getting paid for it. But is it worth it?

So I’m quitting. Today.

I feel like a disappointment, a failure. A loser.

That’s two jobs in the last 4 months. But I need to listen to myself. My lack of sleep and patience isn’t just affecting me. It’s affecting the whole family. Keenin cries every time I put him down. Kurt is hitting, spitting, yelling, and generally being really mean to his little brother. He refuses to play with toys and only want so to watch TV or play with the iPhone.

I’m struggling. I’m admitting defeat.

I’m going to try to sleep and then get my head around how to get us back on track.

On the bright side… it’s going to snow again 😦

Monday Musings: Working!

28 03 2011

So I haven’t had anything to say for a while. Got another job… at night. Which works out rather well. Instead of watching tv until 11, I’m working.

Had Keenin’s first birthday over the weekend. So much fun! Can’t believe it’s only been a year, which is probably the opposite of how most people feel about thier childs first birthday. Most comments are “OMG I can’t believe he’s a year old already!” I always think really? because I can’t imagine life before him. It makes me laugh! To think that once upon a time it was just me and one other kid, WEIRD.

They are both growing up so  much. Not too much. It’s good. I”m glad that ages they are now. This summer will be a lot of fun. Kurt is imagining more, demanding more, talking more, talking more, talking more, talking more. Sometimes we ask him if he is stuck on repeat. But today when I tucked him into my bed for nap time and gave him kisses and hugs. All I could think about was how lucky I was to stay home everyday with them. To give them mumma love and mumma yelling and mumma food all day long. It’s great!

I also have been putting thought into my idea of homeschooling. I’m not struggling with it. But I am unsure what to do. After meeting with the local home-school group, I haven’t had a chance to follow up with anymore meetings. Then I got a call from the Child Development Center for Kurt to start preschool in September. WOW! September! Seem so close. We put him on the waiting list before he was a year old, just so we could make sure he got in, as it is rumored to be the best one in town. I think I may visit others too. I’m also kind of thinking how much I’d like to have some space, to not be in charge of every experience Kurt has. To let him go and grow without me. But then the idea of a homeschoolers co-op would be fun. So we’ll see. I’m sure things will fall into place and help me decide.

Right now we have just finished a big day of cleaning the house (my new janitor job is rubbing off on my personal life) and Keenin is having a nap while Kurt eats some popcorn and watches Word World. 🙂

I’m going to go sit and relax maybe pull out a book before I have to get dinner organized and then go to work.

Hope everyone is having a good spring… our’s isn’t here yet but it is sunny today!


Today is Tuesday: An epiphany in anger….

15 03 2011

What I am about to share, is extremely personal. Not like TMI personal. But more like straight from my journal, word for word, about my marriage – personal. But I have to share it because it is an epiphany. And I believe it will be a big stepping stone on my path towards peaceful parenting/relationships and non coercion in my life.

So here it goes…..

Dear Diary, Today little jimmy hit me with a stick.. bahaha just kidding. But seriously, here it is!

Anger. A daily occurrence it would seem. My husband spent money. Money we borrowed to get Tylenol for our kids and pay for gas to see my parents. This particular issue enrages me. It’s always a different scenario but the same core problem. Spending money at a critical time when we don’t have it. It’s angering because I have a plan, an order in my head of when and where the money needs to be spent. It’s a problem that we cannot solve. He refuses to budge. From his perspective, everything always works out. So there is no need to worry. In this case, the money from his birthday will cover the difference.

Usually I would be seething with anger. Yelling, slamming and repeatedly calling him at work to make him feel guilty, stupid, belittled and worthless. I wouldn’t relent until I felt relief from making him suffer enough.

( Yes I have been reading Anger by Thich Naht Hanh)

Which I guess stems from my childhood or past experiences. It’s so hard to realize what you have ingrained in you.

I started thinking how incredibly, stupidly frustrating it is that he refuses to take money seriously and also the fact that he refuses to take care of his health and body.

So how can I stop him? Usually I would concoct so many ways in my head to make him feel bad. But then I realized that I can’t MAKE him do anything. He is a functioning separate being. He has his own perspective and journey. And it’s about time I take responsibility for making him suffer due to my own perspective, ego and “stories”.

I need to accept that I will have to be like water flowing around a rock until (if ever) he changes his perspective. His path.

I try so hard to help him. To steer him towards my path. Forwards. I know this is a lot of responsibility, to try to take on two journeys.

I need to keep that thought of flowing water. Of him being a rock. But I am struggling with that thought. If I want to share my path with him? I love him. I want to be with him. But how do I mesh these two things together? My journey with his seemingly lack of one.

To show respect to him I need to trust that he will do his best at all times. And not even that. That his will do- what he will do. The end.

And just like that my anger has been melted into compassion (i think?) Compassion for the journey his is on. And his perspective. Which is so different from mine. Which is what makes our marriage interesting and will keeping it interactive fore many years to come.

( yes i do write this way in my journal LOL)

So I should trust that his perspective is just as “right” as mine. At ALL times. It’s only my ego that tells me I am “right” more than he is. We are simply two people with separate egos, perspectives and journey’s trying to find our path together.

I think I might phone him and apologize. (I did) Tell him that I will try my best to  trust him. And that we need to talk more on how to trust and  mesh our journeys together. That neither of us is more “right” than the other.

That our differences is what makes “us” fun. What we should stop fighting so hard against it.

And this last point is for me…

I need to stop letting my ego tell me that I know the “way” better than Bryce, or Kurt or Keenin. I need to reach out and trust that all of the perspectives we have is what is making this path so amazing.

This IS our life.

Woofda! If that isn’t an epiphany, I don’t know what is!!

So there you go, straight from the heart!

🙂 It made my mind a little bit lighter. Hopefully it may shed light on areas in your life or mind that need re-thinking!


Wordless Wednesday: Learning the ways….

9 03 2011

Trying to play the Wii with his older brother…

Monday Musings: I am bursting…

7 03 2011

I am literally bursting at the seams. We’ve had two sunny days, although still -15 range. But I’m so excited about spring. We’ve started some seedlings and got some more indoor plants. I’ve been re-arranging our house and playing with my kids. I’m so full of energy and ideas. I cannot wait until it’s green so we can lay down and look at the sky for as long as we want. Listening to the cars and the birds and the wind.